Good morning wild ones,
Today’s post is about falling in love with the wrong person. Many times when we fall in love with the wrong person, we think of it as a bad thing, but alas, do not lose hope my friends because there are many blessings found in the falling in love with the wrong person. Early this semester I fell in love for the very first time. And maybe because of my abandonment issues, that you can click here to read about, I really was grateful for the opportunity to fall in love. And the blessings of love, even with the wrong person, were clear to me.
The Privilege of Love
I am naturally a very guarded person. My abandonment issues taught me to build walls that would make it okay when people left. So boy have I built them! And even though I really feel like I am a victor over abandonment issues, I still have to overcome its challenges. Guys that I’ve dated have always been frustrated with both my independence and detachedness, both of which are coping mechanisms which have now been engrained into my character. They both have their benefits along with their drawbacks, but it’s who is am. I accept that, and I rock the benefits while working with the drawbacks.
This man that I fell in love with caused me to do some introspection. After four years of being on and off, it was time to make a change. I realized that the plethora of problems which I thought he had were problems that we could work through, but I was the one with the problems which kept breaking us up. As much as he tried, I would not let him in, never too close.
That, my friends, is an insurmountable issue.
It didn’t matter how amazing our chemistry was, we could never work out if we continued on the same path. So I decided to fix the problem that I identified within myself instead of focusing on him.
I vowed to give 100% even if it hurt. And sometimes it did hurt. And many times I was in a violent battle with my flesh. And sometimes it really sucked. But boy was it worth it! Notice, this is still the wrong guy for me, but it was an honor to love. I never thought I could fall in love. I thought that maybe I was broken and consequently incapable of fully experiencing this emotion. Caring about another individual as much as you care about yourself is not something that we get to experience often. Touching the majesty found within true love is a privilege that I neither thought I could experience, nor could have imagined. Maybe it’s because of the far journey that I traveled from guarded to freedom that has allowed me to see things so clearly, but never take this love thing for granted even if your journey is shorter than mine. Remember that loving another human being in the midst of all their faults is an amazing thing.
Finding the Beauty in Vulnerability
Notice I said I gave 100%. That is the most vulnerable state of being in this life. 100% meant fighting at times, and crying at others, and giving always, and caring, and really caring (something I’ve always made it a point not to do), and loving, and allowing myself to be loved, and placing myself out of my comfort zone, and holding hands even though it wasn’t my style. Vulnerability is a beautiful place to be because you have the opportunity to experience- fully and unadulterated. 100% vulnerability meant feeling 100% of everything. It meant that the heartache was felt at 100%, but more importantly so was the love. It meant that after everything was said and done, I had no regrets. I had no unanswered questions. Vulnerability shines light on parts of your soul you didn’t know we’re there. It exposes everything that you are. This is the beautiful part. Many of us have not even seen half of ourselves moreover the whole thing. You begin to realize that you’re both more complex and beautiful than you could have imagined.
The Strength in Recognizing the Wrong Person
A lot of this post has been about the immense beauty found in love from an emotional standpoint. Love is not simply about emotions though. Love is more importantly about choice. While I love my first love as a person still, I literally feel nothing romantic towards him. There is strength found in recognizing that a person is not right for you and being okay with that. There is strength in finding power over your emotions, in overcoming the overwhelming emotion that is love. I think that the 100% vulnerability helped with this. I felt all of my life’s emotions at the time they were experienced, and I allowed things to happen without emotional walls. So when it was all said and done, I was completely content in not being with him. I was completely content in having loved and lost. I was completely content rather than numb or avoidant. The greatest strength is found in becoming the master of your own mind. That is a strength that love has brought me much closer to.
Love, my friends, was an awe-striking experience. This is not because of the guy; this is because of what love is. It’s because of who Love is. I am grateful for this opportunity. I pray that when you get the opportunity to love, even if it ends in loss, you treasure it. You remember the honor that it is to have loved rather than carrying resentment for the loss. You instead carry the loss in great anticipation of the privilege to love again.
Sending only love and good vibes your way,