Something I have huge trouble with is loving my journey. I have trouble remembering the temporality of each stage in this pilgrimage of mine, so I find myself coming to my blog once a season excited to have conquered a leg in my trek….only to realize that there is always another leg. (Honestly, look at my last few posts; I’ve been a mess.) There’s always another challenge. And I return to the drawing board each time to figure out how to ‘conquer’ this new problem. But isn’t that the problem- trying to conquer a journey. How is one supposed to conquer a journey exactly? Very recently I realized that this was pointless, and creating those unrealistic goals for myself is nothing but harmful. I learned that you have to love your journey. Embrace your brokenness. Appreciate your failures. Love your triumphs. Even when you’re failing at loving your journey (which I am positive will happen…well for me atleast), love that you’re a flawed human being with tons of potential for growth.
Recently I felt very lonely for about a week. Yeah y’all, that dreaded ‘L’ word- the thing we all feel but no one wants to talk about. The dangerous part of loneliness is not the isolation of the actual loneliness but the isolation created by the shame of loneliness. The shame of lacking friends or even worse not being likeable. But we all experience loneliness whether or not we have friends, independent of our amiability. Because ultimately, we are singular beings, and no matter how many friends we have, there are still somethings that we must go through singularly. And that is okay!
But what does all of this have to do with loving your journey Brit?
After a reallllly rough experience, I suddenly felt alone in DC. My personality lends to deep, penetrating friendships, so in the midst of the loads of new people I’ve met, vibed with, and talked to daily, I felt a certain amount of isolation that I hadn’t even noticed until it was exacerbated by the rough experience. I had to grapple with this over that week of loneliness. (Notice, this was an emotion greatly exaggerated by the sting of my experience because even though I don’t have a ton of actual friends at school, the DMV is filled with many people that I love and love me. And even still, I spend my days laughing, and vibing, and talking to people until I get home, but most of them just aren’t my close friends. I’m genuinely nowhere near alone. Be careful of this dangerous exaggeration during moments of intense emotions.) At first, I fought being alone and embraced the shame of loneliness. But then I started praying about it and God brought me to this video:
That was when I started to remember how ABSOLUTELY POPPIN’ I am. When thinking about our future spouses we push the importance of both believing your own worth and waiting on God’s timing (depending on your beliefs), but friendships are important too. They too can break you down or build you up. So it is incredibly important to:
- Realize that you’re amazing and deserve amazing friends
- Wait on friends that are working to become the caliber of person you’re trying to be or even better.
- But relish the time you have alone.
I suddenly remembered that I was built for this, and being (relatively) alone does not equate to loneliness. I am amazing at being alone. When I go out alone, I am super open and ALWAYS meet the dopest people. I don’t like small talk and eventually get tired of talking/being with people. Sometimes it’s nice to have friendship without the responsibility of friendship….which is much of what I have at school. Being alone liberates me. So pretty much, I said ALL of this to say that my week long bout of loneliness taught me how to love the journey. Even though loneliness is not a fun thing, I learned how to love my aloneness as a part of my journey. This was a long trip to reach a simple conclusion that was stated in the beginning of the post, but that’s okay because that’s the beauty of blogging I think. I learn so much as I’m writing.
Also, small aside, I’m starting a podcast on tomorrow for my more audio loving constituents and to enhance the experience of even those who aren’t. This may be weekly, or maybe not, but hopefully. I don’t make anymore promises until I get my life together because I hate breaking them, but at this point I’ve broken so many promises to you guys I can barely trust myself. Still join little struggling me as we grow together.
Here’s a short poem I wrote a few months ago about love, but I feel like it also speaks to loving your journey.
It’s days like this that remind me that leaf once knew how to dance with wind.
They knew how to samba to Mother Nature’s heart beat.
Leaf curdles to firmly grab hold of wind’s waistline.
Nature has taught me to realize that love is not stagnant.
We must continuously fall in love to have ever been in love.
Leaf must sneak grabs to the underside of wind.
She turns quickly, blushing rainbows.
Leaf takes wind by hand.
They sway forward.
They step backward.
He spins her.
But he can only see beauty despite the chaos.
Sending nothing but love and peace,